You see that? That's a food baby. And a boob. Kinda hard to keep those outta the way. But mostly this was for ppl to see the food baby. Not my bosom.

Lonely girl

Been having a hard time with friendships lately. I feel like the friends I have had for years just don't want to hang out or really BE my friends anymore, but don't want to hurt my feelings so they just don't call, or text, or anything really, save for the occasional FB msg on a picture of Lola or something. And so I see they go places and do things with their other friends but I'm never invited... So it's like I'm being unfriended without actually being "unfriended". 

I came to this realization when, the other day, I wanted to call someone to talk. And I had no one. I have my mom and that's great, but no one person, other than my mom, really knows anything about me or my life anymore. I used to be able to call this person or that and they would know what and who I was talking about. They would have whatever history/back story was needed to understand my thoughts/fears/etc. Now? Now I have no one. No one knows if Nick and I argued about this or that to understand why something he did/didn't do would bother me (just an example). No one knows me well enough anymore to know that I do/do not worry about my mom/grandmother/etc. No one actually KNOWS me anymore. And it feels like those that claim to know me really just don't care. 

Now, you can try to turn this around on me, but you'd be wrong bc I have made the calls, sent the texts, sent pms on FB in an attempt to maintain us... But it hasn't. You could say I didn't try hard enough, and there you may be right. But they don't seem to have tried at all. 

Adulthood is lonely. I have my family and they are wonderful, but I miss having friends.

So....

Frustrated.
Mad.
Irritated.
Confused.
Pissed off mainly tho.
$400 literally folded in half, why? I have no fucking clue.
We can't replace it either. Thanks.

I love this child. I love her so much it makes my heart feel like it's gonna explode.

No pudding at 8:30pm Lo. No.

I find myself getting irritated a lot with Lo and I don't mean to. She's so amazing, and so full of energy and questions and questions and questions....and did I mention questions? And she's getting so demanding and wanting everything now now now now now, and I feel bad when I yell. I don't like scream, but I do raise my voice and tell her to calm down and stop demanding and I don't know what else to do bc timeouts don't do squat, counting to three only works on occasion... I'm not gonna spank her. She's just very much my child. She's stubborn and hyper and wild just like me and I know it, and I have no idea how mom didn't lone her ind with me sometimes. My mother is a strong woman, LOL. I just love her so much and I want so badly to do right by her and I hate when I feel even the slightest irritation towards her bc I feel like, who am I to get irritated with this beautiful, curious, creative, and happy little girl? Ya know?
Anyways other than that I'm ok. Still contemplating another baby. I think Nick's decided we aren't gonna have one, but maybe he wants one but thinks I don't and is scared to say he does. Maybe I really want one and am afraid to voice it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I'm getting irritated at one 3 year old, maybe I'm afraid I won't be able to handle a kid and a baby at one time. But millions of mothers do it every day, so I know I could, but still... it's a worry.

I have a horrible confession... I like Justin Bieber. I like his music, or at least his last album.

New year... Same Madie

I'm the same damn person, but I'm gonna try to be better. I'm back at weight watchers. I'm doing well. I'm exercising. So that's good. I'm hopeful. I know that I can lose the weight fairly quickly, I just have to actually stick to it. I can do it. Lola is growing so fast, it's hard to believe I only gave birth to her around 4 years ago. She knows so much and talks and sings and makes jokes and she's a real little person now with her own personality and sense of humor and it's wonderful. I'm so lucky to have her.
Nick and I are still happily married. This June will be 11 years together, and this October will make 8 years married. Again, I am so lucky to have him. I'm just an all around lucky girl.
We might be broke, but we have each other.