so all of our savings is gone. literally all of it. but really, it's ok. things are gonna go back to being really hard on us financially until the bankruptcy's done at the end of 2013, but it'll be ok. we'll buy less groceries and stuff, and maybe lose a little more weight, lol.
wishing some of the people i deal with at work wouldn't speak to me like i'm an idiot. please don't tell me how to use the search function on my computer. i understand how to use it. i know how to do more things on my computer than most people at my work would even begin to understand, let alone DO - so please do not "enlighten" me to the wonders of start/search - b/c i get it. i'm asking you where the info is b/c i do not have it. therefore no amount of "search" will find it - b/c it's not on my machine, nor is it in my file folder, so i am asking for the info from someone that should have it. ugh. that really pissed me off. i know it shouldn't, it's silly, but it did tick me off.
random thoughts - i want to be some sort of activist. like i drive by the planned parenthood and see the picketers, and i want to go help out planned parenthood if they need it. i read about this ridiculous amendment 26 on the ballot in MS and i'm flabbergasted and want to help rally people against it, i want to help people, i want to act. i don't know how.
i want to win the lottery.
i want to not have to work.
i want to move to europe somewhere. or china, really i'd love to live in china, but i dunno about the political atmosphere there. canada's really pretty. honestly i couldn't move that far away from my mom, but i still love the idea.
i want lola to be super happy forever.
i want these people to answer my questions so i can do my job!!!!

wow

wow, yesterday was hard. really hard. all i did was think about smoking. i pondered if cloves were better for you than regular cigarettes (they aren't. they're much much worse in fact). i debated buying crappy menthol's to make me not like them. i thought to myself, just one won't hurt me.
i didn't do it. i didn't cave. of that i'm proud - but instead i ate too much. way too much. every time i thought of smoking, i ate. i finished off a whole box of chocolate dipped chewy granola bars. a steak. a baked sweet potato. a whole keilbasa round sausage thing. chips. dip. 2 cupcakes. 3 cookies. no, 4 cookies. gum. lots of gum that didn't do the trick for me. i know i'm forgetting something, but whatever. i ended up taking 3 laxative to try and negate some of the bad i did. yea, yea, i know - bad for me, whatever, fuck off - i'm being honest right now, so be glad of that, i could be lying and saying everything's peachy, but i'm not, i'm being truthful.
i have to take the willpower to not smoke and apply it further to not eating like a fucking cow - it's just so much harder when i'm at home all day with the food lurking in the cabinet and the fridge. i know there's yummy snacks and meals just waiting to be made - and all i have to do is make them and eat them and all the bad goes away b/c it's in my mouth being tasty. but then i feel bad for having eaten all that i ate, so i eat to make myself feel better, only to feel worse, to eat more to feel better - and on and on and on. it's a vicious cycle, it's the story of my damn life.
anyways, i'm at work today, so it should be easier. but i know i'm gonna gain this week. a laxative can't make the bad go away - it makes you feel like you've shit it all out, but you haven't. i know this. whatever.
eating my yogurt now. gotta get more water. whatever. ugh.

4 books, and 3 films

well, i missed yesterday - damnit i'm not very good at keeping up with this, LOL.
anyways, i'll kill 2 birds with 1 stone and do 4 books and 3 films together.

books - wow, ok. i love to read, but i don't have much time to lately, so it's been a while. these are the books i've read so many times that i've had to buy multiple copies.

1) the twilight series. i could wuss out and use each one for my 4, but that's like cheating, so i'll stick 'em all on this one. i love these books. i first read them while pregnant in 2008, and i felt like an absolute teenager reading a book about a teenage girl in high school, and her VAMPIRE boyfriend and their super strong, almost immediate, love - and he's a pretty manipulative guy to top that off - then you throw in werewolves, and vampire/human baby hybrid type things and "imprinting" bullshit - and for all it's ridiculocity - it's magical and wonderful and i get a little twinge of school girl happiness just reading a few pages. they all suck you in and make you happy and make you totally love edward and wish all vampire sparkled.

2) siddartha, by herman hesse. it's a story about a man's journey to finding himself and to finding enlightenment. he goes from being an ascetic (that is someone who denies themselves of any of life’s pleasures and practices extreme self-denial for religious reasons), to being a business kind of guy and taking a lover and back to being an ascetic. all because he just wants to find answers to the questions we all want to find answers to. it is absolutely one of the most insightful pieces of literature i've ever experienced and i highly recommend it to everyone.

3) she's come undone, by wally lamb. wow. this book is just wow. my aunt mary told me i had to read this when i was in high school. i did it, just b/c i was bored - and it is absolutely amazing. it's about delores price and her life, from her first memory of a television screen lighting up, to her early forties. everything she goes thru, all the bad, awful, horrible things, that i can cry just thinking about while typing this - and how she finally saw thru them, overcame them, and allowed herself to find and enjoy love and life. how she finally felt as tho she deserved it. this guy wrote so well from a female perspective, it's crazy.

4) jonathan livingston seagull, by richard bach. it's about a seagull, one to strives to be more than just a seagull. one who wants to experience true flight, and true bliss. and it's about his progression thru one life and into the next. it's very much an enlightenment book as well. lol, with the exception of the twilight books, this is more of a "find yourself and be happy" book like, HAHA.

__________________________________________________________________

and now on to today's actual post....
3 films.
this could be a very very very long list if i let it. to narrow it down to 3 is really difficult.
let's see...
maybe i should list ones we're watching alot of lately:

1) megamind. i LOVE this movie!!! love love love love! it's hilarious, lola loves it, nick thinks it's great. family fun times!!! i think i've actually got a majority of the script memorized i've seen it so many times now.

2) the princess and the frog (new disney version). i love this one too!! they finally gave the world a black disney princess (about time) and did so by putting her in the heart of cajun/blues/jazz country and adding all that wonderful music and culture. i was SO surprised with this movie and the music. it's great. i could watch it over and over again (oh wait i have!).

3) toy story 1-3 - these... well... i used to love them all. now not so much. we've watched them to the point of super oversaturation. i don't want to watch them again. ever. if i have to watch one, i'd prefer to watch 3 b/c it's the one i've seen least, i HATE 2 now, and 1 is just old and boring to me - i'd rather shove pencils in my ears and pour lemon juice in my eyes than watch these again.... but i know i will. i know i will... :(
but every time i see 3, when andy is leaving them and having that one last play, i still cry.

5 foods today....

today it's 5 foods. food is my downfall. my go-to for comfort. if i'm happy, i like to eat, if i'm sad, i like to eat, if i'm mad, i like to eat - basically if there's air in my lungs, i like to eat - and i guess that's why i'm on weight watchers, LOL.
anyways... some of my favorite foods... only 5... wow, that's a hard one.

1) sushi. you just can't say enough about the awesomeness of sushi. i mean, look at it. rice, fish, some sort of vegetable, wrapped in seaweed - how much more awesome can you get? i know! by dipping in soy sauce and adding wasabi and pickled ginger!!! mmmmm sushi, how i love thee!

2) all foods indian. i think my favorite is vegetable korma and gulab jamun. the korma is creamy and magical - the gulab jamun is literally a sweet, juicy ball - of awesome. india palace puts like honey in the water, so i think it's like honey coriander water/juice that they float in and it's soooo good!!!

3) grits and biscuits and country ham. oh yummy food of my southern heritage, how i love the tasty goodness, the buttery grits, the flaky biscuits and the salty ham. nothing better on a sunday morning than a big ole plate of this taste sensation.

4) cheesecake. mmmmm cheesecake. nuff said.

5) ethiopian food. so, i'd never had it before, always seen this little dive looking joint in an office building (very out of place for a restaurant), but i had heard it was good. called abyssinia, on poplar if you're in the memphis area. anyways, nick and i went and it was some of the tastiest damn food i'd ever had. and the injera bread that you use to eat with - super fantastic! it's almost vinegary, but super good and light and adds so much flavor to the already flavorful food there. if you haven't been - you should go. my favorite is the yegbeg tibes (not a CLUE how to say it correctly). it's beef, and stew-ish, and spicy!!

6 places....

6 places? 6 places what? i wanna go? i've done it in? i've had green eggs and ham in? i'll assume this is 6 places i want to go/visit/see/etc.... in no particular order, here they are.

1) china
2) japan
3) bora bora
4) amsterdam
5) england
6) france
7) italy
8) greece
9) russia
10) sweden
11) thailand
12) india
13) korea

i know, it's more than 6, but whatever.

what if it means 6 places i've been? ok.... let's see

1) amsterdam. went there in college. was awesome. i got super homesick, then got mono, so i ended up leaving after only a month-ish. shoulda been there a whole semester.

2) gatlinburg, TN. went there for our honeymoon. we were going to go to new orleans, but katrina happened a couple months before the wedding. gatlinburg was our standby - but we enjoyed it nonetheless.

3) new orleans. went there a couple times. always fun, always find some trouble to get into. i wish we could live there.

4) new york city. went in jr. high, so i didn't get to do too much. was a choir trip. we had a lot of fun tho. would love to go back.

5) push mountain, AR - yea, i know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a mountain with a cabin and we can go and just ignore the world there. fun.

6) chicago. ok, not really chicago, but the airport. when i went to NYC we had a layover in chicago and there was this tunnel with lights that was the coolest damn thing my 13 year old eyes had ever seen - so it makes the list (b/c the other places i've been i've lived in, so that can't count).

6 - (version 2) - just in case chicago doesn't count since it was just the airport - i've also been to saint louis. went to see a rush concert there a few years back. was fun.

7 wants.

7 wants, huh? wow, that list could be ALOT longer :)

1) for lola to never be sick or hurt, to always get what she wants when she wants, to only know happiness and have the easiest, most fulfilling, wonderful life ever. no struggle, no stress, nothing but easy, happy, fun filled, good times full of love and laughter and joy. (and to stay a virgin, LOL j/k).

2) to win the lottery. i don't have to win a gazillion dollars, just enough to get us out of bankruptcy, out of the house we're in, and to ensure a top notch private education for lola thru college (even if she wants to be a doctor). and so that nick and i don't have to work again would be even more awesome.

3) to learn chinese and to go to china. i'd LOVE to go there, love it!

4) to live in europe. just the idea of living somewhere else is exciting, but to make that "somewhere" another country is even better.

5) a raise. seriously. a big one. i need a raise. for reals, yo!

6) to lose another 40lbs. by christmas. that's like 2.2lbs a week. i think i can do it, it's not far fetched - but i know i do really WANT to.

7) did i mention winning the lottery?

10 days of you, i'm late. 8 fears.

i farted out and skipped saturday and sunday. so i'm starting on 8 fears today. i'll try and catch up.

1) that lola or nick would die. the idea of losing either of them is the scariest thing i could ever imagine. i do think that losing lola would be harder, just b/c if it were nick then i'd have to stay strong for lola - but if it were lola, both nick and i would lose it - so that's not to say i love one more than the other, but you know what i mean. i really think i'd contemplate suicide at that point. without my baby, what's the point? sad to say, but i can't ever lose her. i can't.

2) that nick and i would die and leave lola alone. i know she'd have family and stuff, but still - she needs us. it's not the same without your parents.

3) that nick will leave me. there's no reason for him to, and i know without a doubt that he loves me and will never want to be with someone else, but there's still always that fear. that one day he'll just decide to leave me. that one day he just won't come home. that's terrifying.

4) that i'll be stuck in this job for the rest of my life, never able to do something more fulfilling.

5) that one day i'll go blind. no reason to have that fear, but still - the idea of not being able to see scares me - not so much scared b/c what if i bump into things/etc, but scared b/c what i won't be able to see again, like lola's face, or momma's smile, or nick mouthing "i love you" to me from across the room.

6) that i'll never be happy with myself or how i look - even when i lose weight, and feel better, i still think i'm fat. i want that to go away.

7) that we won't be able to afford to put lola in a good preschool. i didn't have preschool when i was a kid - i had daycare while mom worked and then kindergarten. this whole "pre" school thing is crazy to me. i want to make sure she has a great start to school so she has it as easy as i did. school was a no-brainer for me. when i went to school, it was never hard (with the exception of algebra and geometry), so i want her to have it like that (only better).

8) our house falling apart and not being able to get it fixed. it's already covered in mold, and we have to wait on other people to take the time to come out and help us. i'm scared of them procrastinating.

10 days of YOU. 9 loves

9 loves today

well, i love nick and lola and momma and daddy and all that, so that goes without saying, so i'm not listing them.

1) i love the memory of my dogs. i love thinking of lulu's happy feet and maya's big wiggling happy ass. i love knowing that i have their memory forever.

2) i love liz. she's awesome. makes me happy, makes me smile. i'm super glad she's my friend.

3) i love indian food too!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmm vegetable korma!!! naan!!!! palek paneer!!! kheer!! (i think i just wet my pants i got so excited there!!)

4) i love colored pens. they make me happy. it's like everytime you write with one, it brings a little color into your day

5) i love seeing wrongs made right and when good things happen. whenever i read about another state legalizing gay marriage, it literally makes me cry with happiness. when i saw the west memphis 3 freed, i cried b/c i was happy. when i read about that guy that chased down the van with that little girl in it and stopped her abduction with no regard to his own safety, i cried b/c it made me happy. when wrongs are made right, or good things happen to someone - even if it's not me - it makes me happy. i love that.

6) i love to cook. i love to learn about cooking.

7) i love buddha dolls and statues and pictures. i'm totally addicted to them. if i see a buddha ANYTHING, i have to have it. something inside says "get that now!!!!" so i have like 7 buddha statues in my house and 2 buddha paintings (need more!!) even have a buddha at work.

8) i love tattoos. i only have 3, i need more. i want more, i will get more. i wish i could be free to have as many as i like without it affecting my work/career, but i know i can't. if i could, i'd look like clem in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (the hair and clothes) only with tattoos. but i can't. so i don't. but i still loves tattoos.

9) i love my house. i wish i could just abandon the damn thing b/c it's just such a headache, but i do love it. it's covered in mold underneath and insurance WON'T cover it and we're gonna have to pay massive amounts of money to fix it, but i still love it. i want to move out of it. but i still love it b/c it's mine.

10 days of you - 10 secrets

ok, so i stole this from liz, looks fun. i'll have to actually try to remember to update every day, LOL!!!

so, first off - 10 secrets.
secrets are secrets, that sucks. i'll do it tho.

1) i don't really WANT to quit smoking, but i know i need to for lola and for my health, so i'm going to.

2) it's not actually a "secret" but not too many people know - so i'll use it -- the entire underside of my house is covered in mold. we just found out. insurance is coming out tomorrow. i'm terrified they're gonna say it's not covered and we won't be able to afford to fix it.

3) my life, while happy, is full of stress and drama that's unneeded, but unavoidable.

4) i think i should've been born a chinese girl. don't ask me why, i don't know, i just think i should've - as weird as that sounds.

5) even tho i'm telling "secrets" i'm still completely editing myself - that's a secret, isn't it?

6) sometimes i'll fart (quietly) and blame it on lola (can only do that with silent ones, loud ones it's obvious if it came outta my ass).

7) the only reason i want to stay in memphis is b/c of momma. if she weren't here, i'd grab nick and lola and move away. my friends would still talk to me and stuff on the phone and emails - so we'd be good.

8) i want to quit my job and go to culinary school, but even if i were able to get financial aid to do that, it would be stupid, b/c i don't want to be a professional chef. i just want to know how to do all that so i can make awesome food at home. maybe that's why i watch the food network like a fiend.

9) i still feel completely responsible for the loss of my dogs and wish i could take it back every day. i look at their pictures every day. i also look at animals on petfinder an daydream about getting another dog, but then i feel guilty for looking at another dog when it was just a few months ago that we lost our girls.

10) there's one person, that when she sends an email and i see her folder light up with an unread email in my inbox, my stomach immediately ties up in knots with anxiety. things shouldn't be that way. can't say who she is tho.

random thoughts.
moving in the middle of high school sucked. not only because it was moving in the middle of high school - but because it made me not as important/memorable in classmates minds. so whenever there's a reunion or something i'm left out even if i'd like to participate. the people i went to school with in the beginning don't really remember/think of me for those things b/c i didn't graduate with them - and the people i went to school with in the end don't remember/think of me for those things b/c i was only with them for a few months and they'd formed their friendship bonds with the people they'd been with since the beginning, i don't really register for them. so that sucks.

we're fixing up the house. it's costing a lot more than i thought it would. finding new damage/shit that has to be fixed along the way that we never planned on. probably have no savings by the time we're done. scary. but at least it'll be pretty.

i never feel like i look how i'm supposed to look. like, i'm losing weight and stuff, but i'm still fat, and even if i lost another 50 lbs, i still won't look how i feel like i should. not sure what that means, but i know i shouldn't look like i do.

i need more tattoos. i know that for a fact. i need at least 3 more. i know what at least 2 of them are and where i want them.

i miss my dogs. i've never not had a dog. for as long as i can remember, i've had a little furry creature following me around. i want another one. i miss my girls. i miss the wet kisses, i miss the barking, i miss the happy feet and the wagging tails. the family doesn't feel complete without a bundle of fur to add to it. i know that right now is not the time to bring a new animal into the mix. we're redoing our kitchen and the whole house is a mess. but when it's done, maybe around christmas... i'm gonna talk to nick. i want one. i need a dog in my life. i need furry lovins. i miss my dogs.

Hope for the future...

I’ve always been vocal about my support of the LGBT community and that they need to be treated just like everyone else b/c there’s nothing wrong with them. But I think that having Lola has made me even moreso vocal and outraged by the injustice – b/c I want to make sure she grows up to be accepting and I want to make sure that as she grows and learns who she is as a person, that she’ll know that I’ll accept her no matter what. She can be straight, gay, bi, hell she could decide one day she wants a penis and to be called Mort and I’m still gonna love her (granted, if she is transgender, I will sorely miss my little girl and have a hard time grasping her having a penis that I didn’t grow in my uterus when I grew her, but I’ll get used to it). I just hope and pray that by the time she finds herself, that the world is as accepting of her as I hope it will be.
I don’t understand how anyone, especially a parent, could ever have hostility towards the gay community or think that they shouldn’t have the same rights as everyone else – b/c once you’re a parent, you can’t MAKE your child be something he/she isn’t. If your child discovered he/she was gay, would you actually disown him/her? Could you live your life not having that child in it? Would you really think it was OK to not let your child legally marry the person they love? Not be able to be by the side of the person they love if that person were in the hospital? Not have the same rights that you, as a heterosexual human has? If so, I don’t think you should be a parent. I think you’re a sad, sad excuse for a human.
Defending marriage by saying it’s only for a man and a woman, is actually putting it down. Marriage should be about love and creating a lifelong partnership between those 2 people. Allowing people that love each other to marry, to share that bond, to spend their lives together, to grow old together, to be happy – THAT is defending marriage. The gender shouldn’t have a damned thing to do with it.
Every time I see another state legalize gay marriage, I’m so happy about it. It brings me hope for the future.
Every time I see one of those “it gets better” ad’s – it fills me with hope as well, that maybe, for my child, and for all the children out there – that when they find who they are, that it will already be better – and they won’t have to wait for it to GET better.

it's weird when you know someone that dies that's close to your age. i knew him, not that well, but every time i met him, and every time he came over he was always nice, and funny, and just seemed to me to be an all around good guy.
nick was actually friends with him, and one of nick's friends was best friends with him.
to think that you know someone that you'll never again talk to or see. to know that this someone was only 5-6 years older than you.
to look at my life and say, i have a husband, a daughter, friends and family that love me - and so did he (not the husband or daughter, but you know what i mean), and it could all just go away at any moment. he was someone's little boy, he was someone's best friend, he was someone's something - and now he's gone. in an instant, just gone.
and to think that he was so young, and we don't know why. from what little i knew of him, i do not think suicide is the answer. he seemed too put together, and not depressed or anything. i realize people can hide things like that very well, but that's just not what i think. the police and the coroner will figure it out. i'm hoping that no matter what, that it was peaceful. that he went to sleep and just didn't wake up. no pain, just peace.
i know that it's not real comfort to people that knew him - but i know that his energy is now out there, floating around. he's still a part of us all, he's still buzzing around the people he knew, the people he loved, the people that loved him. he's still giving them his love and energy to help their lives grow. he's still there. i know that for the people that loved him and knew him, they want him there with them physically. they want to hear his voice and feel his embrace or handshake. and that will never come back and that's sad. but he's still there.
it's just crazy to think that he's just gone, and it's sad to think of the devastation left by the life of one person being taken. one person that people loved. but he's still there.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

we did it. we put maya down yesterday. it was terrible. they let us hold her while it happened, which is something i wish i'd had when they put lulu down. she was quiet. they gave her a shot, and she just went away. i knew when she was gone, i could see it on her face. she just wasn't there anymore. they let us sit in the room with her alone for as long as we needed. we got home, threw her bowls away, her bedding, i looked to make sure i got any toys of hers. and that was it. we are dogless. it feels so empty and lonely without some stinky furball to bark when the wind blows funny. i know she's not hurting anymore. i think she knew it was coming. i know she's playing with lulu now. i know she's happy. i know she's with us still, but it doesn't make it easier. i kept thinking, while looking at her laying on that table that she was gonna open her mouth and bark and it would be like it didn't happen. like she'd magically be alive again. just like with lulu, i kept thinking, "take it back take it back, give me back my baby dog" the vet was really nice, so that's good. i haven't cried much. i totally snotted while it happened, but i haven't really had much time to cry over it since it happened. i'll cry some here and there (especially when rehashing it like i'm doing now), but i have to be strong and happy around lola, i don't want her to see me upset, and i have to be strong for nick b/c he's taking it really hard. so instead i have a picture of my two furry girls at my desk and i look at them and smile, and tear up, and then take a deep breath and get back to work. i miss both my girls so much.

saying goodbye is always hard to do

saying goodbye is always hard to do. pets are no different. if you love them, you hate to see them in pain, you hate to see them go. lulu was horrible. i never knew how very awful it would be to pet that little lifeless body and kiss that little furry face and know that it was the last time. to never see her do her happy feet dance, or hear her little growls and ruffs. or look into those brown and blue eyes. or watch her disappear in the snow when it was taller than her. or put her little sweaters on her to keep her warm in the cold.
now, only 6 months later, it's maya's turn. her back legs don't work anymore. she can't walk. nick has to hold her up so she can go to the bathroom. she'll hobble a bit, but then she'll fall and not be able to get up. she shakes, she's hurting. she's such a good good girl. so sweet. it's her time. tomorrow at 3 we're gonna do it. i don't want to, nick doesn't want to, but we know it's what's best for her. we can't let her suffer. we're gonna be there with her, it's gonna be terrible. she'll whimper, and cry probably. then her breathing will slow and stop. she won't blink. she won't move. her reflexes will make her chest go up and down a bit like she's breathing, but she won't be. her tongue will probably come out of her mouth a bit. she'll sleep. she'll be gone. and it'll be terrible and we'll cry, but we'll have her memory. i hate knowing that it's coming. maybe that's even worse. knowing. knowing that in a little more than 24 hours i'm going to have my dog put down. i'm going to murder my dog. i realize it's not dog murder, but it feels like it. just knowing that i'm going to leave and not leave with her. i wish she'd just pass away in her sleep. i think that'd be easier. is it terrible that i think that?

Just an update. Nothing more...

I’ve been trying to lose weight, again. Doing well so far tho. Started back on Weight Watchers on January 1 (total coincidence, not a New Year’s resolution) and have lost 28.6 pounds so far. Very proud of myself. I know, tho, that my body will never look how I want it to, no matter how much weight I lose. The amount that I gained while pregnant just took way too much of a toll on my skin, and my stomach. Of course, I can say that it wasn’t my fault I gained like I did. I didn’t do anything wrong, I just retained so much water that it equaled 65 pounds of water. But it still did a lot of damage. Maybe one day I can have a tummy tuck, maybe not. We’ll see what I look like when I’ve lost down to my goal. I bought a pair of pants around Christmas from oldnavy.com, and they were too small. I put ‘em on about a week ago and they literally fall off me. It’s cool, but I at least wanted them to fit for a while, LOL.
Life has been stressing me out. We had savings for a while, so if we needed something (groceries, tires, whatever), we could borrow from savings and it was ok – but the savings is gone now, and things are a lot harder on us, financially. We have $30 until payday this week, and we have to pray that’s enough for gas for us to get to/from work. Nick’s truck lost a wheel bearing, so he can’t drive it, so we had to borrow mom’s car, but she needs it back by Thursday morning, so he has to try to get his car or truck fixed by Wednesday night without having any money to use to fix it and we have to make sure there’s enough gas in mom’s car when we take it back to her so that she can get to the doctor Thursday. It just seems like it’s one thing after another, and there’s always the promise of something better happening and that promise gets turned into shit. It’s just getting me down. So I got on an antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and I’m allergic to it, so I’m covered in hives. Haven’t taken the pill in over a week, but I’m still Hivezilla. Really sucks.
I still miss Lulu. I still see her and dream about her. I miss her little face and her little snuffle noises and her happy feet. Maya’s getting old and it’s getting harder for her to get up from a sitting or lying down position. I know we probably don’t have much longer with her. I know I’ll have to go thru that again with her when it’s her time, but I just can’t think about it right now. It was so hard with Lulu. I cried so hard and couldn’t stop apologizing to her little lifeless body. It wasn’t her fault she was sick, it wasn’t. It wasn’t my fault either, but I still feel like I failed as a dog owner for letting it get to the point where she needed to be put down. I wish I could take it back, but I know that even if I could, she’d still be in the same miserable situation she was in before she died.
Not much else right now. Hoping for good news, expecting not much. Like mom says, “dream big, expect little.”

time to be whiny. my birthday wasn't very good. well, i take that back. nick and i celebrated on saturday and that was fun. my actual birthday was on sunday and it was not fun. mom forgot to wish me a happy birthday until later and she wished it to me on facebook, nick felt bad, lola was cranky. dad and donna came to visit, which was cool, but i wasn't in a very happy mood, so i couldn't totally enjoy it. so yea, shitty birthday. whaa me.
i quit smoking again. been 4 days-ish.
gained 5lbs. getting back to ww b/c being fat sucks.
just not very happy lately.
i'm unhappy at my job, i'm overworked, i'm making mistakes b/c i'm overworked and that's not good, but they're about to make moves around here taking a worker from this location to the other which means there will be even more work to do - and i just don't think it's gonna turn out well. at least not for me. i'm looking for another job actively, but i'm so melancholy about it all.
i think i'm just having a depressed time. seriously. i have already cried today, i could do it again right now. i'm just not happy. everything feels wrong.

stress.... and motherhood. aren't those the same thing?

lo got sick around 2am on tuesday. 103 fever. obviously feeling terrible. stayed home with her. wednesday she still had the fever, stayed home again. wednesday afternoon it snowed for what seems like the millionth time this winter - totally weird for memphis - so we stayed home on thursday as well b/c the roads were crap. lo was better tho. nap time came and she fought me - and punched me in the throat. it hurt. i cried. and then realized that i couldn't stop crying. i cried for about 10 minutes straight. i walked around the house crying, with lo following me, saying, "i sowwy, i sowwy" and i kept telling her it wasn't her fault. it sucked. i don't know where that came from. she was so sweet trying to make me feel better tho. i ended up laying on her bed in the hopes she'd go to sleep, but instead she attempted to tickle me to make me laugh. it was the cutest thing in the world. i have no idea where that outburst came from, but i can only attribute it to stress from being home with a toddler all day, and her being sick and me worrying about her, and stressing over losing money b/c i wasn't at work and all that mess.
works been stressful too.
realized that i can't talk to anyone from work about anything at work other than my boss. you never know who's listening and you never know who's talking. sucks, but i learned my lesson. it's ok now at least. but we have to work our asses off to prove that we're valuable. we can do it. no one else could run this place like bobby does - and i think everyone knows that. if they don't, then their blind.
been doing weight watchers again, like i said yesterday. i've been doing well. lost 13.6 lbs as of this morning - so i'm having a bacon cheeseburger for lunch - YAY!!!

hello 2011.

hello 2011. haven't posted since freakin' september. oh well. no biggie. we got lo a twin bed last weekend. she's doing really good in it. still ends up in bed with us, i don't care :)
she found a paci yesterday. no idea where it came from but she HAD to have it. ugh. that again. it'll "break" in the next day or so.
making chili for dinner.
watching monsters, inc for the GAZILLIONTH TIME!
trying to quit smoking again.
week 2 of chantix. still smoking, but NOWHERE near as much, so i'm proud of myself.
started weight watchers in january.
lost 12 lbs so far. hoping to lose this week, not sure if i will b/c i've been eating myself out of house and home - at least it feels that way.