Christmas

Well Christmas has come and gone. Glad it's over, but it was nice. Did Mom's Christmas Eve (her bday) and mom came over Christmas morning. We went to Den and Kev's Christmas evening. So, fun, family times.
Company Christmas party was the 15th, won an iPad, which is awesome. Inside joke I'm wondering if I'll remember in 10 years: Elegance!!!
As usual after Christmas, we are broke with a capital B.
But it's cool. I guess. Not like I have a choice in the matter, so we gotta just be ok with it, LOL.

Lo got a microphone for Christmas, Nick hooked it up to his bass amp and a effects box, it's her favorite toy.

I wish I knew how to make things better. There are so many times lately that I've felt so helpless. People I can't help, financial circumstances that I can't change, so on... I just wish I could change things and make them better for people I love and care about.

There are some things that I know I should care about, but I just don't.

the new normal...

so, i'm at work and a coworker comes in and says, "man, i was at my relative's house the other day and he wanted to show me this tv show, and the show that was on before it was some damn show about some fucking gay guys kissing or some shit. that's just not right. they shouldn't show that shit. you have to shield your kids from that wrong shit."
and i was kind of taken aback by this narrow mindedness, and yet, i should have expected it from him. so i forgave him his ignorance and said, "how is it wrong?" and of course, the obvious response was, "well it's just wrong! don't show that shit when kids can watch it!" and i said, "i still don't see what's wrong with it. it shows a loving relationship."
at this point, he could see i did not share his views and he changed the subject and we went about our merry ways.
but it got me thinking... what's wrong with it? i mean, really? what do people see on the show (the new normal, in case you hadn't guessed) that is so "wrong"? it depicts a LOVING, FUNCTIONAL relationship (albeit a bit more comedic than most normal relationships) between two people who just happen to be men. i think it's wonderful. it's on par with the first interracial relationship being shown on tv. it's a milestone - not having a gay man be the comedic relief or the "crazy gay friend" of the main character on the show - but instead having the gay men be the main characters and having the audience root for and cheer for them - showing that gay is just as NORMAL as any straight relationship.
and i still don't see why it's wrong and who fills peoples head with this nonsense.
lola will sometimes have her girl barbie's kiss, and say "momma look, they're kissing" my response is always, "that's ok, if they want to kiss they can." she's said to me, "i wish i could have a girlfriend" - of course, she's meaning a friend that's a girl b/c she's 3 and doesn't understand the connotations of the word "girlfriend", but my response is always, "one day you can if you want baby" - i just want to make sure she grows up to know that it's ok to be who you are and love who you love - just be HAPPY.
so would i shield her from watching the new normal? hell no. she doesn't give a shit about that show right now. she's 3. but if she's in the room and the two main MALE characters kiss, i don't even begin to hide her eyes. and if ignorance of others has rubbed off on her and she reacts as if it's weird, "momma look! ewww! they're kissing, that's yucky" my response is always the same "no baby, they love each other and it's ok. there's NOTHING wrong with that. it's totally normal."

i'm having a serious depression right now. i don't know why, i'm just very sad. i don't want to smile, i don't want to laugh, i don't want anyone to try to cheer me up, i just want to sit here with this unhappy look on my face, on the verge of tears and just be unhappy. i don't enjoy this. i can't explain it. i'm on my period, but that can't be it... can it? i've not have hormonal swings this severe since pregnancy, but even then i wasn't depressed. i'm not pregnant, i've still got my iud, so then if it were hormonal, it would be attributed to my period - which that doesn't make sense b/c even during puberty i didn't get like this because of my period. maybe it's just circumstances of the past few days. maybe the constant being broke and having to borrow money is doing it. that would make sense. but then i'd be able to pinpoint the unhappiness and know for a fact that THIS or THAT were the reason.
fuck it.
i don't know.
i don't care.
i'm depressed and wholly unhappy.
hoping it'll go away soon.
i do not like this.

nothing to say. it's ridiculous how there can be a million things in your head, but when you decide to type them out... nothing pops up.
my back hurts.
i have horrible posture while sitting at my desk. i end up hunched over like a 105 year old lady.
i'm mad at myself. in the course of 6 months last year (jan - end of june) i lost 50lbs. i looked great, i felt great. i still had a ways to go, but damnit, i was getting there. and then i just stopped. no reason. just lazy, secretly hate myself or something, i dunno, really, i just stopped. and now i've gained every. single. pound. back. and it's almost the holidays, which makes it harder. i HAVE to lose it back. i HAVE to. you just don't understand. i HAVE to lose this weight before march of next year. that's 5 months. while i may not be able to lose 50lbs in 5 months, i can lose most of it. i just have to do it.
anyways. that's all.

well, devo went back. they found him a better home up north. we just couldn't keep him. he really wasn't for us. i hate it, but i know he's in a better place.
and now... introducing gracie lu mcnibbles paisley. she's precious. she pees everywhere. she's a stinker. she's perfect for us.

well, we rescued a dog from a local animal rescue. devo is his name. sweet sweet dog. much more than we can handle. he jumps the fence constantly. jumped so many times this weekend, i lost count. he's got a bladder infection, he had hookworms so his first vet visit was WAY expensive. we've had him for almost 2 months now and we're giving him back as soon as they can find another foster for him. we cannot keep him any more. it's just more than we can handle at this point in our lives. he's too big. i did it. it's my fault. nick said he didn't want a dog, but whenever i asked him what he wanted he was adamant that he wanted a big dog. so i saw devo and thought he was sweet - and lordy he IS big.... and so he's more like a dog nick would want. not like a dog lola or i would want. she needs small since she's small. i want small b/c that's what i want. so add the size issue on top of the rambunctious/running off/etc - and he's just not the right dog for us. he wants to be with other dogs. that's all he's had was other dogs to play with and all that - and that's why he jumps the fence is to play with neighborhood dogs. we need/want a dog that wants to be with us, not other dogs. his constant jumping the fence and just not being the dog that i actually wanted has prevented me from being in any way attached to him, and that's not fair to him. he deserves someone that's going to love him and want him. and i like him. but i don't love him, and i don't particularly want him.
so, hopefully soon they'll have a foster family for him. and if he's not gone by this weekend i'll start asking. and if he's not gone by mid-next week i'll start nagging, and if he's not gone by the end of next week, i'll start threatening to send him to the pound. at this point i just want my house back.
and in a little bit, when we have some money (maybe tax time next year) i'm getting what I want and i don't care what nick says b/c he doesn't actually want a dog, so it's my decision entirely and that's how i should have treated it this time, but i didn't, so that's my $600 loss.

Well, no puppy. He died the other night. Sucks. I know the mother hadn't wanted to nurse him or his brother so they were having to bottle feed. and that's never good with puppies. Maybe it's god's saying we don't need a dog right now probably so. I was looking forward to a little furball tho. Sad.

Siiiiiick baby. :( goin to the doc tomorrow

we're getting a dog. next 6-8 weeks. a boy. 75% shih tzu, 25% yorkie. i wanna name him biscuit. haven't seen him yet. he was just born this weekend. i'm really excited. nick isn't. not at all. he could care less. actually i think he's a little hostile about it. lulu was put down over a year ago. maya was last june. neither was easy (it never is), but i think maya hit him hardest. but he's having a hard time moving on. no dog will ever take either of their places - but i love having a furry ball of cuteness around the house. we need one. lola wants one. so we're getting one. but his inability to at least feign happiness or at least not show any sort of hostility about it is kinda depressing me. like i seriously would like to cry right now just knowing that he doesn't give a shit, won't give a shit, and will probably never give a shit.

trying to potty train is exhausting, but i haven't been pushing it, so it's taking longer, but that's cool. i'm tired. very tired. i need a nap. but i gotta work. gotta clean house, cook dinner, do dishes, bathe baby, clothe baby, change baby, get baby to bed. and by the time it's time for her to go to bed, i'm so tired, i just go to bed with her. and nick comes too. we all pile up in our bed, watch a little tv while lola talks over it and then eventually passes out just in time for me and nick to say a quick "i love you" get a quick kiss and pass out ourselves.
hoping work will get a little better. it's not like it's bad, don't get me wrong - but technically i'm a "purchasing assistant" - but i do WAY more than that, and have for years now. actually i've never done the purchasing assistant duties, ever. i enter orders, i enter purchase orders, i manage inventory, i run spreadsheets and reports and update them daily, i assist customers, i create item numbers and interpret drawings for new kits to create new item numbers, i help shipping when needed with processing their system and ship confirming and fixing errors on their end, and on and on and on and on. i do this on a daily basis. but i can only call myself a purchasing assistant. and i want to call myself what i am, i want to call myself jit coordinator. but that title has been done away with. there really isn't a title for my job b/c really no one is supposed to be doing all the things i do anymore. it's supposed to be split. a buyer to do the purchasing side, a csr to do the customer orders and emails and stuff, and shipping to do shipping stuff. i'm hoping that they'll make me a buyer soon and i can stop doing all the other stuff and just work on purchasing and getting lower prices and stuff like that. we'll see - but i'm hopeful for the first time in a long time.
anyways, gotta get to it.