5 foods today....

today it's 5 foods. food is my downfall. my go-to for comfort. if i'm happy, i like to eat, if i'm sad, i like to eat, if i'm mad, i like to eat - basically if there's air in my lungs, i like to eat - and i guess that's why i'm on weight watchers, LOL.
anyways... some of my favorite foods... only 5... wow, that's a hard one.

1) sushi. you just can't say enough about the awesomeness of sushi. i mean, look at it. rice, fish, some sort of vegetable, wrapped in seaweed - how much more awesome can you get? i know! by dipping in soy sauce and adding wasabi and pickled ginger!!! mmmmm sushi, how i love thee!

2) all foods indian. i think my favorite is vegetable korma and gulab jamun. the korma is creamy and magical - the gulab jamun is literally a sweet, juicy ball - of awesome. india palace puts like honey in the water, so i think it's like honey coriander water/juice that they float in and it's soooo good!!!

3) grits and biscuits and country ham. oh yummy food of my southern heritage, how i love the tasty goodness, the buttery grits, the flaky biscuits and the salty ham. nothing better on a sunday morning than a big ole plate of this taste sensation.

4) cheesecake. mmmmm cheesecake. nuff said.

5) ethiopian food. so, i'd never had it before, always seen this little dive looking joint in an office building (very out of place for a restaurant), but i had heard it was good. called abyssinia, on poplar if you're in the memphis area. anyways, nick and i went and it was some of the tastiest damn food i'd ever had. and the injera bread that you use to eat with - super fantastic! it's almost vinegary, but super good and light and adds so much flavor to the already flavorful food there. if you haven't been - you should go. my favorite is the yegbeg tibes (not a CLUE how to say it correctly). it's beef, and stew-ish, and spicy!!

6 places....

6 places? 6 places what? i wanna go? i've done it in? i've had green eggs and ham in? i'll assume this is 6 places i want to go/visit/see/etc.... in no particular order, here they are.

1) china
2) japan
3) bora bora
4) amsterdam
5) england
6) france
7) italy
8) greece
9) russia
10) sweden
11) thailand
12) india
13) korea

i know, it's more than 6, but whatever.

what if it means 6 places i've been? ok.... let's see

1) amsterdam. went there in college. was awesome. i got super homesick, then got mono, so i ended up leaving after only a month-ish. shoulda been there a whole semester.

2) gatlinburg, TN. went there for our honeymoon. we were going to go to new orleans, but katrina happened a couple months before the wedding. gatlinburg was our standby - but we enjoyed it nonetheless.

3) new orleans. went there a couple times. always fun, always find some trouble to get into. i wish we could live there.

4) new york city. went in jr. high, so i didn't get to do too much. was a choir trip. we had a lot of fun tho. would love to go back.

5) push mountain, AR - yea, i know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a mountain with a cabin and we can go and just ignore the world there. fun.

6) chicago. ok, not really chicago, but the airport. when i went to NYC we had a layover in chicago and there was this tunnel with lights that was the coolest damn thing my 13 year old eyes had ever seen - so it makes the list (b/c the other places i've been i've lived in, so that can't count).

6 - (version 2) - just in case chicago doesn't count since it was just the airport - i've also been to saint louis. went to see a rush concert there a few years back. was fun.

7 wants.

7 wants, huh? wow, that list could be ALOT longer :)

1) for lola to never be sick or hurt, to always get what she wants when she wants, to only know happiness and have the easiest, most fulfilling, wonderful life ever. no struggle, no stress, nothing but easy, happy, fun filled, good times full of love and laughter and joy. (and to stay a virgin, LOL j/k).

2) to win the lottery. i don't have to win a gazillion dollars, just enough to get us out of bankruptcy, out of the house we're in, and to ensure a top notch private education for lola thru college (even if she wants to be a doctor). and so that nick and i don't have to work again would be even more awesome.

3) to learn chinese and to go to china. i'd LOVE to go there, love it!

4) to live in europe. just the idea of living somewhere else is exciting, but to make that "somewhere" another country is even better.

5) a raise. seriously. a big one. i need a raise. for reals, yo!

6) to lose another 40lbs. by christmas. that's like 2.2lbs a week. i think i can do it, it's not far fetched - but i know i do really WANT to.

7) did i mention winning the lottery?

10 days of you, i'm late. 8 fears.

i farted out and skipped saturday and sunday. so i'm starting on 8 fears today. i'll try and catch up.

1) that lola or nick would die. the idea of losing either of them is the scariest thing i could ever imagine. i do think that losing lola would be harder, just b/c if it were nick then i'd have to stay strong for lola - but if it were lola, both nick and i would lose it - so that's not to say i love one more than the other, but you know what i mean. i really think i'd contemplate suicide at that point. without my baby, what's the point? sad to say, but i can't ever lose her. i can't.

2) that nick and i would die and leave lola alone. i know she'd have family and stuff, but still - she needs us. it's not the same without your parents.

3) that nick will leave me. there's no reason for him to, and i know without a doubt that he loves me and will never want to be with someone else, but there's still always that fear. that one day he'll just decide to leave me. that one day he just won't come home. that's terrifying.

4) that i'll be stuck in this job for the rest of my life, never able to do something more fulfilling.

5) that one day i'll go blind. no reason to have that fear, but still - the idea of not being able to see scares me - not so much scared b/c what if i bump into things/etc, but scared b/c what i won't be able to see again, like lola's face, or momma's smile, or nick mouthing "i love you" to me from across the room.

6) that i'll never be happy with myself or how i look - even when i lose weight, and feel better, i still think i'm fat. i want that to go away.

7) that we won't be able to afford to put lola in a good preschool. i didn't have preschool when i was a kid - i had daycare while mom worked and then kindergarten. this whole "pre" school thing is crazy to me. i want to make sure she has a great start to school so she has it as easy as i did. school was a no-brainer for me. when i went to school, it was never hard (with the exception of algebra and geometry), so i want her to have it like that (only better).

8) our house falling apart and not being able to get it fixed. it's already covered in mold, and we have to wait on other people to take the time to come out and help us. i'm scared of them procrastinating.

10 days of YOU. 9 loves

9 loves today

well, i love nick and lola and momma and daddy and all that, so that goes without saying, so i'm not listing them.

1) i love the memory of my dogs. i love thinking of lulu's happy feet and maya's big wiggling happy ass. i love knowing that i have their memory forever.

2) i love liz. she's awesome. makes me happy, makes me smile. i'm super glad she's my friend.

3) i love indian food too!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmm vegetable korma!!! naan!!!! palek paneer!!! kheer!! (i think i just wet my pants i got so excited there!!)

4) i love colored pens. they make me happy. it's like everytime you write with one, it brings a little color into your day

5) i love seeing wrongs made right and when good things happen. whenever i read about another state legalizing gay marriage, it literally makes me cry with happiness. when i saw the west memphis 3 freed, i cried b/c i was happy. when i read about that guy that chased down the van with that little girl in it and stopped her abduction with no regard to his own safety, i cried b/c it made me happy. when wrongs are made right, or good things happen to someone - even if it's not me - it makes me happy. i love that.

6) i love to cook. i love to learn about cooking.

7) i love buddha dolls and statues and pictures. i'm totally addicted to them. if i see a buddha ANYTHING, i have to have it. something inside says "get that now!!!!" so i have like 7 buddha statues in my house and 2 buddha paintings (need more!!) even have a buddha at work.

8) i love tattoos. i only have 3, i need more. i want more, i will get more. i wish i could be free to have as many as i like without it affecting my work/career, but i know i can't. if i could, i'd look like clem in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (the hair and clothes) only with tattoos. but i can't. so i don't. but i still loves tattoos.

9) i love my house. i wish i could just abandon the damn thing b/c it's just such a headache, but i do love it. it's covered in mold underneath and insurance WON'T cover it and we're gonna have to pay massive amounts of money to fix it, but i still love it. i want to move out of it. but i still love it b/c it's mine.

10 days of you - 10 secrets

ok, so i stole this from liz, looks fun. i'll have to actually try to remember to update every day, LOL!!!

so, first off - 10 secrets.
secrets are secrets, that sucks. i'll do it tho.

1) i don't really WANT to quit smoking, but i know i need to for lola and for my health, so i'm going to.

2) it's not actually a "secret" but not too many people know - so i'll use it -- the entire underside of my house is covered in mold. we just found out. insurance is coming out tomorrow. i'm terrified they're gonna say it's not covered and we won't be able to afford to fix it.

3) my life, while happy, is full of stress and drama that's unneeded, but unavoidable.

4) i think i should've been born a chinese girl. don't ask me why, i don't know, i just think i should've - as weird as that sounds.

5) even tho i'm telling "secrets" i'm still completely editing myself - that's a secret, isn't it?

6) sometimes i'll fart (quietly) and blame it on lola (can only do that with silent ones, loud ones it's obvious if it came outta my ass).

7) the only reason i want to stay in memphis is b/c of momma. if she weren't here, i'd grab nick and lola and move away. my friends would still talk to me and stuff on the phone and emails - so we'd be good.

8) i want to quit my job and go to culinary school, but even if i were able to get financial aid to do that, it would be stupid, b/c i don't want to be a professional chef. i just want to know how to do all that so i can make awesome food at home. maybe that's why i watch the food network like a fiend.

9) i still feel completely responsible for the loss of my dogs and wish i could take it back every day. i look at their pictures every day. i also look at animals on petfinder an daydream about getting another dog, but then i feel guilty for looking at another dog when it was just a few months ago that we lost our girls.

10) there's one person, that when she sends an email and i see her folder light up with an unread email in my inbox, my stomach immediately ties up in knots with anxiety. things shouldn't be that way. can't say who she is tho.

random thoughts.
moving in the middle of high school sucked. not only because it was moving in the middle of high school - but because it made me not as important/memorable in classmates minds. so whenever there's a reunion or something i'm left out even if i'd like to participate. the people i went to school with in the beginning don't really remember/think of me for those things b/c i didn't graduate with them - and the people i went to school with in the end don't remember/think of me for those things b/c i was only with them for a few months and they'd formed their friendship bonds with the people they'd been with since the beginning, i don't really register for them. so that sucks.

we're fixing up the house. it's costing a lot more than i thought it would. finding new damage/shit that has to be fixed along the way that we never planned on. probably have no savings by the time we're done. scary. but at least it'll be pretty.

i never feel like i look how i'm supposed to look. like, i'm losing weight and stuff, but i'm still fat, and even if i lost another 50 lbs, i still won't look how i feel like i should. not sure what that means, but i know i shouldn't look like i do.

i need more tattoos. i know that for a fact. i need at least 3 more. i know what at least 2 of them are and where i want them.