wow

wow, yesterday was hard. really hard. all i did was think about smoking. i pondered if cloves were better for you than regular cigarettes (they aren't. they're much much worse in fact). i debated buying crappy menthol's to make me not like them. i thought to myself, just one won't hurt me.
i didn't do it. i didn't cave. of that i'm proud - but instead i ate too much. way too much. every time i thought of smoking, i ate. i finished off a whole box of chocolate dipped chewy granola bars. a steak. a baked sweet potato. a whole keilbasa round sausage thing. chips. dip. 2 cupcakes. 3 cookies. no, 4 cookies. gum. lots of gum that didn't do the trick for me. i know i'm forgetting something, but whatever. i ended up taking 3 laxative to try and negate some of the bad i did. yea, yea, i know - bad for me, whatever, fuck off - i'm being honest right now, so be glad of that, i could be lying and saying everything's peachy, but i'm not, i'm being truthful.
i have to take the willpower to not smoke and apply it further to not eating like a fucking cow - it's just so much harder when i'm at home all day with the food lurking in the cabinet and the fridge. i know there's yummy snacks and meals just waiting to be made - and all i have to do is make them and eat them and all the bad goes away b/c it's in my mouth being tasty. but then i feel bad for having eaten all that i ate, so i eat to make myself feel better, only to feel worse, to eat more to feel better - and on and on and on. it's a vicious cycle, it's the story of my damn life.
anyways, i'm at work today, so it should be easier. but i know i'm gonna gain this week. a laxative can't make the bad go away - it makes you feel like you've shit it all out, but you haven't. i know this. whatever.
eating my yogurt now. gotta get more water. whatever. ugh.