10 days of you, i'm late. 8 fears.

i farted out and skipped saturday and sunday. so i'm starting on 8 fears today. i'll try and catch up.

1) that lola or nick would die. the idea of losing either of them is the scariest thing i could ever imagine. i do think that losing lola would be harder, just b/c if it were nick then i'd have to stay strong for lola - but if it were lola, both nick and i would lose it - so that's not to say i love one more than the other, but you know what i mean. i really think i'd contemplate suicide at that point. without my baby, what's the point? sad to say, but i can't ever lose her. i can't.

2) that nick and i would die and leave lola alone. i know she'd have family and stuff, but still - she needs us. it's not the same without your parents.

3) that nick will leave me. there's no reason for him to, and i know without a doubt that he loves me and will never want to be with someone else, but there's still always that fear. that one day he'll just decide to leave me. that one day he just won't come home. that's terrifying.

4) that i'll be stuck in this job for the rest of my life, never able to do something more fulfilling.

5) that one day i'll go blind. no reason to have that fear, but still - the idea of not being able to see scares me - not so much scared b/c what if i bump into things/etc, but scared b/c what i won't be able to see again, like lola's face, or momma's smile, or nick mouthing "i love you" to me from across the room.

6) that i'll never be happy with myself or how i look - even when i lose weight, and feel better, i still think i'm fat. i want that to go away.

7) that we won't be able to afford to put lola in a good preschool. i didn't have preschool when i was a kid - i had daycare while mom worked and then kindergarten. this whole "pre" school thing is crazy to me. i want to make sure she has a great start to school so she has it as easy as i did. school was a no-brainer for me. when i went to school, it was never hard (with the exception of algebra and geometry), so i want her to have it like that (only better).

8) our house falling apart and not being able to get it fixed. it's already covered in mold, and we have to wait on other people to take the time to come out and help us. i'm scared of them procrastinating.